Today, for those who were previously unaware, is the day we found whether our baby would be reading Pride and Prejudice (when she's a bit older), wearing dresses, and using hair ties, or if our baby would be reading The Lord of the Rings (I would read him the Hobbit when he's younger), wearing ties and suspenders, and using hair gel.
Seriously, I couldn't even focus during my classes today because I knew the appointment was coming. I wrote a poem. I drew this:
|(Left side boy things: Sword, Dog, LOTR...Right side girl things: Dress, Pride and |
Prejudice, a Trellis w/ vines. Baby in the hammock under branches that spell "or.")
And herein lies the complicated reason which has struck me speechless this evening: my baby is incredible. I mean it. Completely unbelievable and unreal. I know everyone has a cute baby... my baby is cuter. I know everyone thinks their baby is the cutest. They are wrong. It is my baby. I could not speak solid sentences for hours after the appointment, because our baby is too real, too able to rub their little eyes and kick their little legs. My baby is smaller than a ruler in length, and is still capable of being more important than anything I've ever seen.
And let me add there - not many things make me speechless. I love writing, reading and talking. I have seen miracles - healings, an exorcism, and (not the least of which and certainly not the end of the list) many, many people find freedom in Christ. I have seen other nations - England, Armenia, the Dominican Republic. They were wonderful.
These things make me want to talk.
My baby makes me speechless.
And then we found out she is a girl.
I was hoping for a girl. I cried. Thrice. SHE is beautiful. I cried thinking about reading Pride and Prejudice with her when she's a teen. I cried thinking about little bikes with tassels and a horn and pink. I cried thinking about holding a baby. I may have cried about crying. In short, I cried.
My tears should not be mistaken for words, though. I was silent. Bonnie was smiling, laughing, joyful. I was staring, imagining, lost. Completely and totally lost. I'm not afraid, nor was I then, but I was in shock. It had simply never been more real.
I asked if the nurse could be wrong. Is there any way we would find out near June 29 (the due date) that we were wrong the whole time, and instead of Bekah we'd get Ben? She said no way. Unless there's some crazy malfunction with the machine, which their wasn't, she was sure.
We called our family, Bonnie laughed, I cried and talked as little as possible. We have all that on video, and that was fun.
We went to Target to buy Bekah a dress. I didn't buy her a dress. I bought her something better.
To fully understand why what I bought her was better, there are a few things you need to know. First, that face. Look at it, and look at it good. It's cute. Look at her nose. Look at the lips both the nurse and the doctor told us were beautiful (at separate times, without the other in the room). Look at the ear. Oh, and don't forget that crazy cute hand. Second, you need to know that nothing was good enough for her. Nothing in the baby clothes section, nor the baby books, nor the baby toys, were good enough for Bekah. I refused to buy her things that were not good enough. It's so serious to me that I'm tearing up a little now. Can't help it. Bonnie felt the same way - nothing was good enough for Bekah.
But when we thought about it, there was one, and only one, thing that fit Bekah as we know her. We bought it immediately and without hesitation. These pictures only meagerly capture its greatness.
After we bought this perfect stuffed animal for Bekah, because none of the small ones were good enough, we came home. Immediately, and surreally, and totally unexpected, we received three gifts in the form of dinner, "It's a girl!" balloon with card and some quite adorable little Bekah hair clips, and a very sweet picture frame from a few of our friends. Then, I ate, while watching the beginning of Pride and Prejudice. Then, I slept. Then I woke up, and thought of Bekah. Then I couldn't imagine how to do anything else. That's pretty much what I'm at right now - not knowing how or why I would do anything but think of Bekah.
Rebekah means captivating. I feel like I met her for the first time today.
I love you, Bekah.